Every parent feels it’s their duty to get their kids into a sport or two. They sign them up for training sessions with the hope that their kid falls in love with the sport. In my case, that was karate. I had been taking swimming lessons for years and I was no champion, but I was happy doing it. However, my parents noticed my frail body and my weak self-defence skills and they decided that I should play karate.
No offense to the game or any of its lovers, but I found karate so incredibly useless. I still went three times a week though, because the deal was that I go for a couple of months until I get my yellow belt and later on, if I don’t like it, I wouldn’t have to go back. Also yellow was my favorite color, so… It wasn’t that bad after all. The coach would terrorize everyone except for me. He must’ve known I was a special kid – and by special, I mean very easily breakable. Each class, I would go do some pointless moves like the “Oi-zuki”, the “Kizami-zuki” and I’m almost sure one move was called the “Meg Ryan” or at least sounded exactly like that… and believe me, it wasn’t nearly as tasteful as the actress.
One day, after I finished my karate class, I went back to my parents somewhere at the “nady” and I noticed that my sister was holding a Pepsi, so I did what any ordinary kid would; I demanded one too. My parents ignored me and told me that we had to leave right away and that I could drink one at home, so I cried and wept. My mom told me to not act childish, which correct me if I’m wrong, I was six years old, and to my knowledge, that’s what six year olds do! My dad was shouting at me to get in the car and I refused to oblige, so they did what any normal Egyptian parents would. They got into the car, drove away and left me behind. Wait! What?!!
I remember my sister waving at me goodbye from the backseat and I was absolutely terrified. What I hadn’t known then, was that my dad was trying to teach me a lesson and he was just going to park a block ahead and come back for me. What they hadn’t known was that I would chase the car. I remember chasing it for what felt like hours. Problem was I was running after the wrong car. I eventually gave up and found a “baya3 dora” on the street. I decided it would be a good idea for me to tell him what happened, to which he replied “mat5afsh ya 7abibi, harawa7ak m3aya.” Something in his words did not exactly give me a sense of safety. You’d think karate would come in handy. Long story short, “baya3 el dora” abducted me and I never returned to my parents. Now, to me, he’s no longer “baya3 el dora”. I call him “baba”. #PlotTwist
Chill, I’m just kidding! Even a gullible child would be alarmed by that guy. I instantly ran off in my karate outfit until I found three nice young ladies walking beside me and I decided to confide in them. They told me that my parents wouldn’t just abandon me and they took me back to the club’s gate, in front of which I found my mom sobbing and running towards me. That day, my mom told me that I could get whatever I wanted. I asked for the thing I wanted most; to not continue my karate lessons. My mom declined and got me a Pepsi instead. Only then did I remember; I never really liked Pepsi. #Awkward
Keep your eyes peeled for our next awkward post!
[The design of the blog was inspired by a sketch submitted by the Colbert Report that appeared during a segment at the 67th Emmy Awards.]